The Grammarian
Heaven help me, I married a grammar guy. I did NOT know about this defect in his
before we were married. Luckily, he doesn’t go around correcting the grammar of
strangers, so I can mostly overlook this fault. Also, thanks to my dad the linguist, my vocabulary
is better than his, so he knows if he annoys me, I can fire back and tell him, “Don’t be a pedantic
twit darling.”
So liking grammar is something that I don’t understand, but then, he doesn’t understand
why I like glitter. That’s ok. These differences make life rich. What I can’t forgive is that he’s
much better at German than I am (probably because he’s good at grammar). Both of us speak the
language (or at least we used to) But in my case, learning it made sense. My mother was
German. But since she was trying to learn English, I didn’t hear enough of it, and in the end, I
had to learn it fresh in school and struggled like everybody else. Dave has zero German
background but took it in high school and liked it enough to major in it in college. That right
there is a red flag, and I should have known it. German is a grammatical nightmare with all the
tenses and four cases that constantly change the endings of everything, assuming of course, that
you first correctly guessed which of the randomly assigned three genders you should use. If you
understand that sentence, I’m sorry. It’s so bad that Mark Twain even wrote an essay called, The
Awful German Language, which is hilarious even if you don’t speak the language. I take heart
that I’m not alone in my suffering and also that Finnish and Navajo are supposed to be even
worse.
Since I haven’t really practiced German in the last, oh 30 years or so, I thought I’d brush
up with the help of the Duolingo app. Sometimes, ok constantly, I make mistakes, and if Dave’s
around, he’ll try to help. But he won’t just correct me and move on. He feels compelled to explain, “It’s an “em” ending here because the obfuscated, avuncular mood is treated as a constipated gerund when it’s used in conjunction with a prepositional phrase in the future imaginary tense. But sometimes you can use the idiomatic collapsible dative instead if you want.” I try to listen, but after the first three or four words my spirit leaves my body and it’s hard to hear.
But, how does Dave say such things to me? And how is he right? How can he possibly be
better at German than I am? It’s incredibly annoying. I am fully half German and am therefore
entitled to be able to speak like a native no matter how thin my exposure to the language, or how
little I practice.
I’ve only met two other people in my life who would actually comprehend the
instructions that Dave kindly gives me. My Dad and my co-worker, Katelyn. Both of whom are
mystified as to why anyone would find such helpful hints difficult. They don’t get it. Neither do
I, so I guess that makes us even. One reason that I’m not as motivated as I could be to grasp the
topic is that even if I understood what they were saying, I still don’t see how I could apply the
knowledge. In speaking, by the time I’d worked out all the rules and exceptions and multiplied
that by the square root of 17 or whatever, and come up with a response, the person I was talking
to would have left. It’s much more efficient to simply mumble.
So, should you skip learning another language? Are you kidding? You should learn as
many languages as you possibly can. Grammar notwithstanding, it’s really fun. I can’t imagine a
better way to understand another culture. Sprinkled all throughout the language learning you’ll
discover charming customs, wonderful people, and terrific food. In short, you’ll fall in love and
there’s no better feeling than that. There are even occasional linguistic happy moments. One of
these happened when I taught an English language learner the phrase, “couch potato.” He LOVED this and used it as often as he could, laughing every time. For me, it’s the German word for elevator, “Abzug.” Literally translated, that means “Uptrain,” I think it’s the greatest word ever.
But seriously, if you want to learn another language, the best thing you can do for yourself is to learn your English grammar first. I know, I know, I don’t want to do it either. But a few lessons will save you a lifetime of frustration, not to mention embarrassment. I’d love it if everyone refused to be a couch potato and instead took the Abzug to a greater understanding of humanity by picking up a language or three.
before we were married. Luckily, he doesn’t go around correcting the grammar of
strangers, so I can mostly overlook this fault. Also, thanks to my dad the linguist, my vocabulary
is better than his, so he knows if he annoys me, I can fire back and tell him, “Don’t be a pedantic
twit darling.”
So liking grammar is something that I don’t understand, but then, he doesn’t understand
why I like glitter. That’s ok. These differences make life rich. What I can’t forgive is that he’s
much better at German than I am (probably because he’s good at grammar). Both of us speak the
language (or at least we used to) But in my case, learning it made sense. My mother was
German. But since she was trying to learn English, I didn’t hear enough of it, and in the end, I
had to learn it fresh in school and struggled like everybody else. Dave has zero German
background but took it in high school and liked it enough to major in it in college. That right
there is a red flag, and I should have known it. German is a grammatical nightmare with all the
tenses and four cases that constantly change the endings of everything, assuming of course, that
you first correctly guessed which of the randomly assigned three genders you should use. If you
understand that sentence, I’m sorry. It’s so bad that Mark Twain even wrote an essay called, The
Awful German Language, which is hilarious even if you don’t speak the language. I take heart
that I’m not alone in my suffering and also that Finnish and Navajo are supposed to be even
worse.
Since I haven’t really practiced German in the last, oh 30 years or so, I thought I’d brush
up with the help of the Duolingo app. Sometimes, ok constantly, I make mistakes, and if Dave’s
around, he’ll try to help. But he won’t just correct me and move on. He feels compelled to explain, “It’s an “em” ending here because the obfuscated, avuncular mood is treated as a constipated gerund when it’s used in conjunction with a prepositional phrase in the future imaginary tense. But sometimes you can use the idiomatic collapsible dative instead if you want.” I try to listen, but after the first three or four words my spirit leaves my body and it’s hard to hear.
But, how does Dave say such things to me? And how is he right? How can he possibly be
better at German than I am? It’s incredibly annoying. I am fully half German and am therefore
entitled to be able to speak like a native no matter how thin my exposure to the language, or how
little I practice.
I’ve only met two other people in my life who would actually comprehend the
instructions that Dave kindly gives me. My Dad and my co-worker, Katelyn. Both of whom are
mystified as to why anyone would find such helpful hints difficult. They don’t get it. Neither do
I, so I guess that makes us even. One reason that I’m not as motivated as I could be to grasp the
topic is that even if I understood what they were saying, I still don’t see how I could apply the
knowledge. In speaking, by the time I’d worked out all the rules and exceptions and multiplied
that by the square root of 17 or whatever, and come up with a response, the person I was talking
to would have left. It’s much more efficient to simply mumble.
So, should you skip learning another language? Are you kidding? You should learn as
many languages as you possibly can. Grammar notwithstanding, it’s really fun. I can’t imagine a
better way to understand another culture. Sprinkled all throughout the language learning you’ll
discover charming customs, wonderful people, and terrific food. In short, you’ll fall in love and
there’s no better feeling than that. There are even occasional linguistic happy moments. One of
these happened when I taught an English language learner the phrase, “couch potato.” He LOVED this and used it as often as he could, laughing every time. For me, it’s the German word for elevator, “Abzug.” Literally translated, that means “Uptrain,” I think it’s the greatest word ever.
But seriously, if you want to learn another language, the best thing you can do for yourself is to learn your English grammar first. I know, I know, I don’t want to do it either. But a few lessons will save you a lifetime of frustration, not to mention embarrassment. I’d love it if everyone refused to be a couch potato and instead took the Abzug to a greater understanding of humanity by picking up a language or three.