Have I Learned Anything
I’ve been reflecting lately on all the things I’ve learned in my life. So far, the sum is not impressive. Luckily, math is among the many things I’ve never learned, so there’s a solid chance my total is wrong. But maybe not. The first quarter of this year is over and the only new fact I can think of is that the word ‘SWIMS’ is the same upside down or right side up. This is not a great stride forward. It’s a shame because I’ve had great teachers who’ve really tried. But what I actually remember is that a horse’s intestine holds 30 quarts. If you haul out this interesting little tidbit to anyone in your social circle, they will go, “huh” and quickly move on to another subject. Still, that’s better than randomly remembering the first 20 lines of The Canterbury Tales, in old English no less. Recite that, and you’ll soon have no social circle at all.
But such as I have, I will share with you. Here you go--when cooking, if you run out of eggs, you can use blood as a substitute. Not that I’m going to test this out for myself. Let me know if you do. Regardless, I’m sure I’ll hang on to this until my dying day, unlike such trivial matters as the names of my nearest and dearest.
Speaking of food, one thing that I should know by now, but actually don’t, is that gluttony is a bad thing. I learned this (again) on a trip to Hawaii. I wanted to hike Diamond Head. My husband, Dave, who is devoted to pancakes, found the Original Pancake House close by. How convenient! Happily, we went to the restaurant for breakfast and yes, the pancakes were huge and delicious. I joyously ate them freely. Very freely. Slightly less joyously, I waddled out of the restaurant to go hiking. This was not a good idea. With every step, the blob of pancake dough in my stomach swelled and became heavier crushing my lungs and other organs. I may be the only person ever to have climbed Diamond Head on a single breath. Pancakes and hiking don’t go together.
Naturally, I blame Dave for the pancake incident. But the poppers were my fault. I love jalapeno poppers but had never had an opportunity to eat an unlimited amount of them until I was at a party with poppers on the buffet. These were really good poppers. I lost what little self-control I have early on and ate about twelve of them at once. Do NOT eat a dozen jalapeno poppers in one sitting. There WILL be consequences, and that’s all I’m going to say about that.
Moving on, one year I thought I’d give my cats a real treat by planting catnip in the garden. Never plant catnip! It grew like I’ve never seen anything grow before and took over everything. Did the cats at least enjoy it? They did not. Not even after I’d dried and crushed it, so it was exactly like the stuff in the expensive toys I buy for them that they love and then ignore. Don’t plant catnip!
My last bit of wisdom is for the exhausted new parents out there. Be warned. The tube of Desitin diaper ointment is exactly the same size and shape as the tube of Crest toothpaste.
You’re welcome.
But such as I have, I will share with you. Here you go--when cooking, if you run out of eggs, you can use blood as a substitute. Not that I’m going to test this out for myself. Let me know if you do. Regardless, I’m sure I’ll hang on to this until my dying day, unlike such trivial matters as the names of my nearest and dearest.
Speaking of food, one thing that I should know by now, but actually don’t, is that gluttony is a bad thing. I learned this (again) on a trip to Hawaii. I wanted to hike Diamond Head. My husband, Dave, who is devoted to pancakes, found the Original Pancake House close by. How convenient! Happily, we went to the restaurant for breakfast and yes, the pancakes were huge and delicious. I joyously ate them freely. Very freely. Slightly less joyously, I waddled out of the restaurant to go hiking. This was not a good idea. With every step, the blob of pancake dough in my stomach swelled and became heavier crushing my lungs and other organs. I may be the only person ever to have climbed Diamond Head on a single breath. Pancakes and hiking don’t go together.
Naturally, I blame Dave for the pancake incident. But the poppers were my fault. I love jalapeno poppers but had never had an opportunity to eat an unlimited amount of them until I was at a party with poppers on the buffet. These were really good poppers. I lost what little self-control I have early on and ate about twelve of them at once. Do NOT eat a dozen jalapeno poppers in one sitting. There WILL be consequences, and that’s all I’m going to say about that.
Moving on, one year I thought I’d give my cats a real treat by planting catnip in the garden. Never plant catnip! It grew like I’ve never seen anything grow before and took over everything. Did the cats at least enjoy it? They did not. Not even after I’d dried and crushed it, so it was exactly like the stuff in the expensive toys I buy for them that they love and then ignore. Don’t plant catnip!
My last bit of wisdom is for the exhausted new parents out there. Be warned. The tube of Desitin diaper ointment is exactly the same size and shape as the tube of Crest toothpaste.
You’re welcome.