Get Thin By Body Snatching
Oh crud. Summer is here and despite my very sincere vows on Jan first, I still haven’t been seized with and uncontrollable urge to exercise and still less of an urge to eat right. Instead, I’ve tried giving my brain explicit instructions on how it should use the energy from the food that I feed it to craft a beautiful body. I’ve shown it pictures of Sandra Bullock. No luck. I was forced to try a more traditional approach.
I have a yoga DVD that promises, and I quote, “A Perfect Body in just 20 Minutes.” So, I put the DVD on and did the contortions as best I could. I’m sure the noise the cat made as he shot under the chair where he remained trembling for the length of the program was purely co-incidental. I was also surprised that when I finished, both the DVD and the clock said that only 20 minutes had passed, when the ordeal had clearly lasted at least two hours. But, I was done and I happily scampered to the mirror to check out my newly minted beautiful body.
NO! Where was my new body? This was still had the same squishy body I’ve always had, except now that body hurt in unusual places. I was just about to call the dvd’s legal department and demand a huge settlement, when my husband, Dave, pointed out a loophole that the company was sure to use against me. Nowhere did it specify which kind of “perfect body” I would achieve--swimsuit model, NFL linebacker, beluga whale etc. The lawyers would be sure to argue that the dvd had worked as promised, and that if I thought I was shaped like a loaf of bread, freshly baked loaves of bread were beloved all over the world and I should be flattered to resemble one which had risen so nicely.
I was about to abandon all hope and eat a salad, when I remembered that there is another road to the perfect beach body, Body Snatching. It takes some time, but I’ve done it before, and now that we’re all coming back to the office after covid, I can do it again.
I made the discovery that I could literally steal the body of any of my attractive co-workers during my years at a library, where it was my job to work closely with Mary. Unlike me, Mary weighed maybe 110 pounds and she had short bright red hair, or blue or black depending on her mood. I have long brown hair. I wear glasses, she does not. I dress by guesswork while I’m still asleep in the morning, Mary paid attention to fashion. Even so, people would come up to me all the time and say, “Excuse me, Mary?” I would smile and say, “Nope, I’m Anneli, Mary’s over by the shelves there.” Then they would laugh and say, “Oh, I’m so sorry Annabelle, I can never tell the two of you apart.”
What in the world? Was everyone in the area afflicted with blindness? Was this a game show with a hidden camera somewhere? If so, the game had been going on a very long time. For one bright moment I wondered if maybe I somehow look like I’m a size two? No, my family squashed that idea with insulting quickness. So, I decided to just relax and enjoy it. But I wondered a bit nervously how Mary felt about being mistaken for me? One day, after it had happened yet again, I apologized.
“Are you kidding? I love it when people think I’m you!” she said. “I’ve kind of felt like I should apologize for being mistaken for you so often.”
“Wha…why?” I asked.
“You see that lady, that just walked out?” she asked.
“Yeah?”
“She was telling me how terrific the window mural looked, and I just said, ‘Thanks.’ I’m sorry, but I’ve been taking credit for what you do, it’s easier than trying to explain. That lady thinks I can draw!! I’ve always wanted to be able to draw!”
“I keep telling you that anyone can draw, you just have to...”
“That’s way too hard. But you’re ok being me? Why?”
“Because you’re thin and beautiful of course!”
“You mean scrawny and average.”
“I mean beautiful! I’ve always wanted to be thin!”
“I keep telling you that anyone can be thin, you just have to…”
“That’s way too hard.” I said.
Eventually, we figured out that the mix-ups were happening because although we looked very different on the outside, underneath we were soul sisters with the same personality and the same job. At work, we were literally interchangeable, and people treated us as such. What this meant for me on a practical level, was that while Mary went for long runs in the morning, I could sleep in and then still get to be her anyway! It was great!
So all you have to do is to find the best-looking person in your office or neighborhood, and help them with some of their tasks. At first, they may not want your help, but keep on helping anyway until they appreciate (or at least become resigned to) your efforts. Keep at it. I’ve even seen this work between people of different races and sexes. The hardest thing is to believe that you can get away with this, but you can! People are far too fixated on their own appearance to have any real idea what you look like.
Persist, and soon, others will associate you with your friend and come to sincerely believe that you are 50 pounds lighter, 10 years younger and twice as rich.
I wonder if Sandra Bullock needs an assistant?
I have a yoga DVD that promises, and I quote, “A Perfect Body in just 20 Minutes.” So, I put the DVD on and did the contortions as best I could. I’m sure the noise the cat made as he shot under the chair where he remained trembling for the length of the program was purely co-incidental. I was also surprised that when I finished, both the DVD and the clock said that only 20 minutes had passed, when the ordeal had clearly lasted at least two hours. But, I was done and I happily scampered to the mirror to check out my newly minted beautiful body.
NO! Where was my new body? This was still had the same squishy body I’ve always had, except now that body hurt in unusual places. I was just about to call the dvd’s legal department and demand a huge settlement, when my husband, Dave, pointed out a loophole that the company was sure to use against me. Nowhere did it specify which kind of “perfect body” I would achieve--swimsuit model, NFL linebacker, beluga whale etc. The lawyers would be sure to argue that the dvd had worked as promised, and that if I thought I was shaped like a loaf of bread, freshly baked loaves of bread were beloved all over the world and I should be flattered to resemble one which had risen so nicely.
I was about to abandon all hope and eat a salad, when I remembered that there is another road to the perfect beach body, Body Snatching. It takes some time, but I’ve done it before, and now that we’re all coming back to the office after covid, I can do it again.
I made the discovery that I could literally steal the body of any of my attractive co-workers during my years at a library, where it was my job to work closely with Mary. Unlike me, Mary weighed maybe 110 pounds and she had short bright red hair, or blue or black depending on her mood. I have long brown hair. I wear glasses, she does not. I dress by guesswork while I’m still asleep in the morning, Mary paid attention to fashion. Even so, people would come up to me all the time and say, “Excuse me, Mary?” I would smile and say, “Nope, I’m Anneli, Mary’s over by the shelves there.” Then they would laugh and say, “Oh, I’m so sorry Annabelle, I can never tell the two of you apart.”
What in the world? Was everyone in the area afflicted with blindness? Was this a game show with a hidden camera somewhere? If so, the game had been going on a very long time. For one bright moment I wondered if maybe I somehow look like I’m a size two? No, my family squashed that idea with insulting quickness. So, I decided to just relax and enjoy it. But I wondered a bit nervously how Mary felt about being mistaken for me? One day, after it had happened yet again, I apologized.
“Are you kidding? I love it when people think I’m you!” she said. “I’ve kind of felt like I should apologize for being mistaken for you so often.”
“Wha…why?” I asked.
“You see that lady, that just walked out?” she asked.
“Yeah?”
“She was telling me how terrific the window mural looked, and I just said, ‘Thanks.’ I’m sorry, but I’ve been taking credit for what you do, it’s easier than trying to explain. That lady thinks I can draw!! I’ve always wanted to be able to draw!”
“I keep telling you that anyone can draw, you just have to...”
“That’s way too hard. But you’re ok being me? Why?”
“Because you’re thin and beautiful of course!”
“You mean scrawny and average.”
“I mean beautiful! I’ve always wanted to be thin!”
“I keep telling you that anyone can be thin, you just have to…”
“That’s way too hard.” I said.
Eventually, we figured out that the mix-ups were happening because although we looked very different on the outside, underneath we were soul sisters with the same personality and the same job. At work, we were literally interchangeable, and people treated us as such. What this meant for me on a practical level, was that while Mary went for long runs in the morning, I could sleep in and then still get to be her anyway! It was great!
So all you have to do is to find the best-looking person in your office or neighborhood, and help them with some of their tasks. At first, they may not want your help, but keep on helping anyway until they appreciate (or at least become resigned to) your efforts. Keep at it. I’ve even seen this work between people of different races and sexes. The hardest thing is to believe that you can get away with this, but you can! People are far too fixated on their own appearance to have any real idea what you look like.
Persist, and soon, others will associate you with your friend and come to sincerely believe that you are 50 pounds lighter, 10 years younger and twice as rich.
I wonder if Sandra Bullock needs an assistant?