Feeling Insecure
I want to make it clear that I truly appreciate TSA and all they do to keep me safe. It’s just that anytime a huge organization is trying to deal with ever huger numbers of the people, naturally, some rules will be ridiculous in some situations. Especially when trying to process someone like me, who hasn’t thought things through. My problem is that I’m innocent. And since I know that I have no intention of hurting anyone, and I’m not trying to get away with anything, I honestly forget that I shouldn’t pack things like giant jars of Nutella (I’m still regretting that one) and souvenir machetes in my carry-on luggage. But try as they might, security isn’t perfect.
Once, I bought a big left-handed mug filled with left-handed things at the last minute, and shoved it in my carry on. This included two pairs of scissors, one with a 5-inch blade and one with a seven-inch blade. The whole thing was nicely wrapped. I was thinking only, “Oh, she’ll love this!” and not, “Here are two lethal weapons.” Of course, it got caught at security.
“Oh no!” I groaned when the security lady pulled it out.” “I’m sorry, it’s for my daughter and I wasn’t thinking.”
“We’ll have to take the scissors,
but you can keep the mug and the other things.”
“Right. I appreciate you taking the time to let me keep the other stuff” I said as she wrestled with the packaging.”
When she saw that I wasn’t mad (other than at myself) and wasn’t going to challenge her, and that it really was a gift. She told me to wait a minute–she was going to check with someone. When she came back, she told me that she really couldn’t let me have the big scissors, but they’d let me take the smaller pair.
“Really!” Thank You!” I said.
The thing was, that the two scissors were stapled and zip-tied to cardboard, then wrapped in human proof plastic as well as cellophane gift wrap all with more ties and a ribbon. It took quite a while to free them. This gave me time to wonder what might have happened if the scissors had gone through and I’d had evil intentions.
Thinking wicked thoughts, I get my innocent-looking gift down from the overhead compartment. Then stand in the middle of the economy class aisle and shout,
“Everyone! Listen up! I’m taking control of this plane!”
I waive my package with its big pink bow, and try to untie it.
“Everyone keep calm! And no one needs to get hurt!”
As I’m struggling to untie the first knot with my teeth, a flight attendant comes down the aisle. “Back off! You’re taking me to the Cayman Islands…good grief, they’ve tied this with wire?!” Then, softly to the attendant, “Miss? could you help me with this? “
And so on. I’d never have gotten to the scissors.
What really happened was that the security person got the scissors free at last, confiscated the big pair and handed me back what was now basically a 5-inch sharp dagger, handily ready to use at a moment’s notice. I put it in my carry-on and went cheerfully on my way, where I’m proud to report that I didn’t stab a single person, not even the lady who kept taking the armrest.
Another apparently suspicious item I tried to get onto a plane was a bag of colorful chocolate coated sunflower seeds. Personally, I didn’t think they looked that dangerous. But I guess no one in security had ever seen such a thing. Maybe they thought they were cleverly concealed drugs, because many officers were called over and they all looked unhappy. “What did you say these were?” I was asked sternly multiple times. “They’re chocolate covered sunflower seeds as it says on the bag.” I bought them at a candy store. You can try some if you like.” “That won’t be necessary,” they muttered. But I bet my offer was what convinced them because they finally let me through where my fake knees set off the alarm.
For all I know, while the security was focused on me, down the next aisle came a fully loaded machine gun, 40 pounds of heroin and a live alligator. But what can we do? We’re all only human after all. I suppose that even includes the guy who threw away my lovely Nutella.
Once, I bought a big left-handed mug filled with left-handed things at the last minute, and shoved it in my carry on. This included two pairs of scissors, one with a 5-inch blade and one with a seven-inch blade. The whole thing was nicely wrapped. I was thinking only, “Oh, she’ll love this!” and not, “Here are two lethal weapons.” Of course, it got caught at security.
“Oh no!” I groaned when the security lady pulled it out.” “I’m sorry, it’s for my daughter and I wasn’t thinking.”
“We’ll have to take the scissors,
but you can keep the mug and the other things.”
“Right. I appreciate you taking the time to let me keep the other stuff” I said as she wrestled with the packaging.”
When she saw that I wasn’t mad (other than at myself) and wasn’t going to challenge her, and that it really was a gift. She told me to wait a minute–she was going to check with someone. When she came back, she told me that she really couldn’t let me have the big scissors, but they’d let me take the smaller pair.
“Really!” Thank You!” I said.
The thing was, that the two scissors were stapled and zip-tied to cardboard, then wrapped in human proof plastic as well as cellophane gift wrap all with more ties and a ribbon. It took quite a while to free them. This gave me time to wonder what might have happened if the scissors had gone through and I’d had evil intentions.
Thinking wicked thoughts, I get my innocent-looking gift down from the overhead compartment. Then stand in the middle of the economy class aisle and shout,
“Everyone! Listen up! I’m taking control of this plane!”
I waive my package with its big pink bow, and try to untie it.
“Everyone keep calm! And no one needs to get hurt!”
As I’m struggling to untie the first knot with my teeth, a flight attendant comes down the aisle. “Back off! You’re taking me to the Cayman Islands…good grief, they’ve tied this with wire?!” Then, softly to the attendant, “Miss? could you help me with this? “
And so on. I’d never have gotten to the scissors.
What really happened was that the security person got the scissors free at last, confiscated the big pair and handed me back what was now basically a 5-inch sharp dagger, handily ready to use at a moment’s notice. I put it in my carry-on and went cheerfully on my way, where I’m proud to report that I didn’t stab a single person, not even the lady who kept taking the armrest.
Another apparently suspicious item I tried to get onto a plane was a bag of colorful chocolate coated sunflower seeds. Personally, I didn’t think they looked that dangerous. But I guess no one in security had ever seen such a thing. Maybe they thought they were cleverly concealed drugs, because many officers were called over and they all looked unhappy. “What did you say these were?” I was asked sternly multiple times. “They’re chocolate covered sunflower seeds as it says on the bag.” I bought them at a candy store. You can try some if you like.” “That won’t be necessary,” they muttered. But I bet my offer was what convinced them because they finally let me through where my fake knees set off the alarm.
For all I know, while the security was focused on me, down the next aisle came a fully loaded machine gun, 40 pounds of heroin and a live alligator. But what can we do? We’re all only human after all. I suppose that even includes the guy who threw away my lovely Nutella.