Fantasy Island
Okay! We’re a few weeks into the New Year and, I don’t know about you, but I’m
already bored with broiled chicken breast and my “fun” exercise program. Judging by the
appearance of the gym, with its mostly empty machines, and my office kitchen which has put
away the veggies in favor of cookies, I’m not alone. So, what can I do? I guess I could, still
technically make some healthy choices myself regardless of what others are doing, but the
changes I really want to make like eating more ice-cream or sleeping in later never seem to help
my appearance in the way that they should, plus my boss threatened to fire me over the sleeping
in part. So that’s out. Happily, there is another option that doesn’t involve tedious self-
improvement. It involves improving OTHERS, always more fun.
When it comes to beauty YOU need to be the one to take charge. YOU set the standard,
and others will follow. But how can you do this if you’re not Taylor Swift? Nobody’s going to
listen to you let alone imitate you. Oh yes, they are! When you buy your own private island and
set the only standard of beauty, the pressure on others to look like you will be enormous.
Meanwhile, you get to stroll around the island secure in the knowledge that you are a perfect
10. This is not as unrealistic as it sounds. At the time of this writing, you can actually buy a small
island for as little as $250,000. So, not cheap, but people with modest means manage to buy
houses and second houses all the time. The goal is not out of reach. And it’s really not that much
more expensive that what you’re spending on weight loss programs anyway. Besides, then you
get to own an island!! How cool is that?
The first thing you’ll need on your island is aggressive marketing. Even if the population
is just you and your dog. You must have a store. This can be a separate shack with essentials you
would be willing to share with or sell to a visitor, but make it attractive! The most alluring
feature naturally will be the poster with your face advertising sunscreen, and another advertising
coconuts. The store will also sell the island magazine filled with tips on how others can look like
you. It might not be easy for them, but for you it will come effortlessly. On my island the gold
star, super-model standard of female beauty is to be 5’7, middle-aged, with long legs, pale
(verging on the sickly) skin, blue eyes, thin lips, thin limp mouse-brown hair, thick glasses, thick
eyebrows and weighing an undisclosed amount, that those on the unenlightened mainland might
call “too much.” What a hottie!!! This person (me) will be smiling at you everywhere. Visitors,
however, may wish to straighten their hair and buy numerous skin products to achieve the right
pasty look, to fit in. Also, they may wish to invest in eyebrow extensions. But it will be the legs
that will be the despair of visiting women. You may not know that the ideal leg is very long and
of a translucent whiteness beautifully enhanced with blue varicose veins. They are a sight to
behold. But don’t worry. My store will sell realistic vein makeup and dulling toothpaste to tone
down any smiles that are too dazzling.
Doesn’t that sound great?! Not for you of course, try as you might, it’s unlikely you’ll
ever look exactly like me, but your island will be just as amazing as you are. Whatever you
happen to look like, it is perfect. Whatever you’re wearing is THE thing to be wearing. If you get
older, or cut your hair, no problem. Fashions change all the time. Tthey can change on your
island too.
I haven’t quite saved enough yet to buy my island. But if you come to my house, I’ll fix
you my favorite coconut fudge brownies to start you getting thickened up in all the right places.
already bored with broiled chicken breast and my “fun” exercise program. Judging by the
appearance of the gym, with its mostly empty machines, and my office kitchen which has put
away the veggies in favor of cookies, I’m not alone. So, what can I do? I guess I could, still
technically make some healthy choices myself regardless of what others are doing, but the
changes I really want to make like eating more ice-cream or sleeping in later never seem to help
my appearance in the way that they should, plus my boss threatened to fire me over the sleeping
in part. So that’s out. Happily, there is another option that doesn’t involve tedious self-
improvement. It involves improving OTHERS, always more fun.
When it comes to beauty YOU need to be the one to take charge. YOU set the standard,
and others will follow. But how can you do this if you’re not Taylor Swift? Nobody’s going to
listen to you let alone imitate you. Oh yes, they are! When you buy your own private island and
set the only standard of beauty, the pressure on others to look like you will be enormous.
Meanwhile, you get to stroll around the island secure in the knowledge that you are a perfect
10. This is not as unrealistic as it sounds. At the time of this writing, you can actually buy a small
island for as little as $250,000. So, not cheap, but people with modest means manage to buy
houses and second houses all the time. The goal is not out of reach. And it’s really not that much
more expensive that what you’re spending on weight loss programs anyway. Besides, then you
get to own an island!! How cool is that?
The first thing you’ll need on your island is aggressive marketing. Even if the population
is just you and your dog. You must have a store. This can be a separate shack with essentials you
would be willing to share with or sell to a visitor, but make it attractive! The most alluring
feature naturally will be the poster with your face advertising sunscreen, and another advertising
coconuts. The store will also sell the island magazine filled with tips on how others can look like
you. It might not be easy for them, but for you it will come effortlessly. On my island the gold
star, super-model standard of female beauty is to be 5’7, middle-aged, with long legs, pale
(verging on the sickly) skin, blue eyes, thin lips, thin limp mouse-brown hair, thick glasses, thick
eyebrows and weighing an undisclosed amount, that those on the unenlightened mainland might
call “too much.” What a hottie!!! This person (me) will be smiling at you everywhere. Visitors,
however, may wish to straighten their hair and buy numerous skin products to achieve the right
pasty look, to fit in. Also, they may wish to invest in eyebrow extensions. But it will be the legs
that will be the despair of visiting women. You may not know that the ideal leg is very long and
of a translucent whiteness beautifully enhanced with blue varicose veins. They are a sight to
behold. But don’t worry. My store will sell realistic vein makeup and dulling toothpaste to tone
down any smiles that are too dazzling.
Doesn’t that sound great?! Not for you of course, try as you might, it’s unlikely you’ll
ever look exactly like me, but your island will be just as amazing as you are. Whatever you
happen to look like, it is perfect. Whatever you’re wearing is THE thing to be wearing. If you get
older, or cut your hair, no problem. Fashions change all the time. Tthey can change on your
island too.
I haven’t quite saved enough yet to buy my island. But if you come to my house, I’ll fix
you my favorite coconut fudge brownies to start you getting thickened up in all the right places.