Enjoy the Swan! It's Dead!
This year I get to welcome a new little nephew into my life. My plan is to shower him with love and presents. Lucky for me, there is no end to adorable things to buy for a baby. I thought I’d go with a cute little plushie toy. You can’t go wrong with a plushie toy. Whoa. I had no idea how wrong I could go until I took a look at ALL that Amazon has to offer. Now, I not only know these things exist, but I’ve been infected with their dark power. I’ve realized that if Nathan and Rae don’t stay on my good side, I could conceivably buy one of these items for their darling baby. That’s quite a threat! I’ll share three of my favorites here. They are all available on Amazon if you’re unbalanced enough to look for them. What I won’t do is share what I discovered when I looked at baby dolls. I’m not that evil.
First off I wondered, “What about the parents? After all, they’re the ones doing all the work. Is there a plushie they can enjoy?” Indeed there is! And it’s useful too! Both the mother and baby have recently lost a placenta and an umbilical cord, and the poor father hasn’t been able to enjoy these delights since the day he was born himself. But now family and friends can just look for the “I Heart Guts Placenta Plush” on amazon, and everyone can reconnect so to speak. The second part of the name is, “Baby’s first roommate,” which takes truth in advertising to a strange new level. All I can say is that this is an improvement over the real placenta one of my daughter’s teachers once kept on his desk in a jar. So, go ahead! Buy one for every member of the family!
And speaking of truth in advertising, check out the Elainren Giant Swan Stuffed Animal Toy with Long Neck. They aren’t kidding. The neck is 55 inches. The picture does not show a child cuddling this bird; instead it’s pictured with its neck tied into a knot. Weird, but I could live with it except for the fact that this swan is clearly dead. Instead of eyes, it just has X’s. I don’t want to cuddle with this. I don’t want my child to cuddle with this, I’d be afraid she’s start dreaming about boa constrictors, among other psychological concerns.
But I’d rather have her play with the swan than with the Disembowl Baby, otherwise known as Sigikid Rosi the Little Patient. I get what the makers are going for here, all kids are interested in anatomy. When I was little, my dad had a set of encyclopedias and one volume had transparent pages so you could “build” a human starting with the skeleton then add the nervous system, organs, muscles and finally the skin. I loved it. Later, I graduated to playing Operation and later still I was in a real emergency room holding my daughter’s hand as she got some stitches. Despite my protests that I was fine, the nurse made me sit down. I guess she didn’t realize that some people just happen to have paper white skin.
And that’s the problem with this doll. Parents don’t want to see the insides of their beloved children. This doll is kind of cute, but even if she wasn’t, a child ripping open the torso of her dolly and pulling out its organs just feels wrong.
All of these gifts feel wrong. Maybe I should get my nephew some sweet German fairy tales like I grew up with. Wait a minute, how many of these stories are about eating children? Just what were my parents trying to tell me? Were they hungry? Never mind. Finger puppets are fun, maybe a cute little squirrel? Yikes! You know, I think I’ll just get the baby started on decluttering and minimalism early.
First off I wondered, “What about the parents? After all, they’re the ones doing all the work. Is there a plushie they can enjoy?” Indeed there is! And it’s useful too! Both the mother and baby have recently lost a placenta and an umbilical cord, and the poor father hasn’t been able to enjoy these delights since the day he was born himself. But now family and friends can just look for the “I Heart Guts Placenta Plush” on amazon, and everyone can reconnect so to speak. The second part of the name is, “Baby’s first roommate,” which takes truth in advertising to a strange new level. All I can say is that this is an improvement over the real placenta one of my daughter’s teachers once kept on his desk in a jar. So, go ahead! Buy one for every member of the family!
And speaking of truth in advertising, check out the Elainren Giant Swan Stuffed Animal Toy with Long Neck. They aren’t kidding. The neck is 55 inches. The picture does not show a child cuddling this bird; instead it’s pictured with its neck tied into a knot. Weird, but I could live with it except for the fact that this swan is clearly dead. Instead of eyes, it just has X’s. I don’t want to cuddle with this. I don’t want my child to cuddle with this, I’d be afraid she’s start dreaming about boa constrictors, among other psychological concerns.
But I’d rather have her play with the swan than with the Disembowl Baby, otherwise known as Sigikid Rosi the Little Patient. I get what the makers are going for here, all kids are interested in anatomy. When I was little, my dad had a set of encyclopedias and one volume had transparent pages so you could “build” a human starting with the skeleton then add the nervous system, organs, muscles and finally the skin. I loved it. Later, I graduated to playing Operation and later still I was in a real emergency room holding my daughter’s hand as she got some stitches. Despite my protests that I was fine, the nurse made me sit down. I guess she didn’t realize that some people just happen to have paper white skin.
And that’s the problem with this doll. Parents don’t want to see the insides of their beloved children. This doll is kind of cute, but even if she wasn’t, a child ripping open the torso of her dolly and pulling out its organs just feels wrong.
All of these gifts feel wrong. Maybe I should get my nephew some sweet German fairy tales like I grew up with. Wait a minute, how many of these stories are about eating children? Just what were my parents trying to tell me? Were they hungry? Never mind. Finger puppets are fun, maybe a cute little squirrel? Yikes! You know, I think I’ll just get the baby started on decluttering and minimalism early.