Almost Haunted
I like ghosts. I’ve always wanted to have one. Not a scary ghost, horror movies keep me awake for weeks. Just a nice companionable spook clinking around the attic, perhaps occasionally leaving his head on the bookshelf. Something like that.
I’ll probably never get one though. Ghosts never seem to haunt people who would enjoy them. I suppose it’s a matter of pride. Just imagine being a ghost and running into a friend who greets you…
“Hey Mort! What are you up to these days?”
“Oh, nothing much, I like to haunt the Byrd’s house when the moon is full.”
“Yeah? What are they like? Terrified?”
“Well, not exactly. Actually we had quite a pleasant little chat the other day. They’re nice people you know, and they hardly ever dust…”
“Geez, where’s your self-respect?”
No, it would never work out. But we were almost haunted one night long ago. At the time, we lived in one of the most un-hauntable houses in America. It was a cheap modern rental with zero hiding places or atmosphere. But on that dark and stormy night, okay it wasn’t stormy, but it was dark, our small daughter Catherine, was asleep and my husband Dave and I had just settled down to watch TV. A few minutes later we heard a low moaning came from the direction of Catherine’s room.
“Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh”
We ran to her room. There she was--perfectly fine and peacefully sleeping. That was weird. We went back to our show.
“Oooooooohhhhhhhhhahhhhhhoooooo” a pitiful wailing rose and then sobbed away into silence.
“She must be having a nightmare!” We ran back to her room, but she seemed to be happily and comfortably asleep.
“Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooo”
“There it is again!”
“It isn’t Catherine.”
“Do you think it could be a cat, maybe?”
“That’s no cat.”
“Where is it coming from?”
Silence.
“Well, I don’t know what that was.”
“Let’s finish the show.”
We sat back down. A few minutes later…..
“OOOooooooooohhhhhh ooooooohhhhhhh”
“I think it’s coming from the kitchen.”
“You think so?”
“I’m going to check on Catherine again.”
“It sounds so sad!”
“Do you think it could be in the pipes?”
“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
“It’s coming from the dishwasher!”
“Our dishwasher is haunted? COOL!”
“Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaahhhhh”
Bravely, Dave opened the dishwasher. There wasn’t much in it, just a few spoons and a liquid activated Tarzan straw from McDonald’s l
lying on its side.
“Aaaaaaaahhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhoooooo” said Tarzan.
Dave picked up the straw and held it vertically.
“Aaaaaaahhhhhhh……Ulp,” said Tarzan, Lord of the Kitchen, as the water drained out.
Well like I said, we were almost haunted. It was the best we could do at the time
I’ll probably never get one though. Ghosts never seem to haunt people who would enjoy them. I suppose it’s a matter of pride. Just imagine being a ghost and running into a friend who greets you…
“Hey Mort! What are you up to these days?”
“Oh, nothing much, I like to haunt the Byrd’s house when the moon is full.”
“Yeah? What are they like? Terrified?”
“Well, not exactly. Actually we had quite a pleasant little chat the other day. They’re nice people you know, and they hardly ever dust…”
“Geez, where’s your self-respect?”
No, it would never work out. But we were almost haunted one night long ago. At the time, we lived in one of the most un-hauntable houses in America. It was a cheap modern rental with zero hiding places or atmosphere. But on that dark and stormy night, okay it wasn’t stormy, but it was dark, our small daughter Catherine, was asleep and my husband Dave and I had just settled down to watch TV. A few minutes later we heard a low moaning came from the direction of Catherine’s room.
“Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh”
We ran to her room. There she was--perfectly fine and peacefully sleeping. That was weird. We went back to our show.
“Oooooooohhhhhhhhhahhhhhhoooooo” a pitiful wailing rose and then sobbed away into silence.
“She must be having a nightmare!” We ran back to her room, but she seemed to be happily and comfortably asleep.
“Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooo”
“There it is again!”
“It isn’t Catherine.”
“Do you think it could be a cat, maybe?”
“That’s no cat.”
“Where is it coming from?”
Silence.
“Well, I don’t know what that was.”
“Let’s finish the show.”
We sat back down. A few minutes later…..
“OOOooooooooohhhhhh ooooooohhhhhhh”
“I think it’s coming from the kitchen.”
“You think so?”
“I’m going to check on Catherine again.”
“It sounds so sad!”
“Do you think it could be in the pipes?”
“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
“It’s coming from the dishwasher!”
“Our dishwasher is haunted? COOL!”
“Oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaahhhhh”
Bravely, Dave opened the dishwasher. There wasn’t much in it, just a few spoons and a liquid activated Tarzan straw from McDonald’s l
lying on its side.
“Aaaaaaaahhhhhhaaaaahhhhhhhhoooooo” said Tarzan.
Dave picked up the straw and held it vertically.
“Aaaaaaahhhhhhh……Ulp,” said Tarzan, Lord of the Kitchen, as the water drained out.
Well like I said, we were almost haunted. It was the best we could do at the time
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