A Season of Giving
During this time of year, I often like to highlight some of the stranger things I find as I tunnel through the mountain of catalogs in our bathroom. For an item to qualify, it can’t be just a joke, it has to be something a misguided person would seriously give to another, such as the Serpentine Candlestick holder from The Victorian Trading Co. catalog https://www.victoriantradingco.com/item/90-cn-9034904/home-decor-accents/serpentine-7-x-6-candlestick. It’s a golden snake, but instead of a head, you stick a candle into its neck! What could be more tasteful? Amazingly, it is currently 50% off. This would be a great gift for the mob boss on your list.
But Christmas is the season of giving. I give gifts too. Have I ever been guilty of giving anyone anything strange? Yes. But in my defense, I have an impossible to buy for husband. He can’t blame me when I give him a look-a-like bobble-head figurine. It’s his own fault.
Hands down the weirdest thing I’ve ever deliberately given someone went to my sister. She’s also hard to buy for, so I’d been bugging her to give me some ideas for a birthday present which eventually led to this conversation.
“You were asking what I want for my birthday?”
“Yes! Finally! What would you like?
“Well, just to warn you, it’s a little weird.”
“I expect no less. What is it?”
“I need a goat castrator.”
“A what?”
“A goat castrator. It’s a thing that castrates goats.”
“New hobby?”
Where does one buy such a thing? I was about to learn that amazon truly sells everything--a selection even. In case you’re wondering, my sister is a balloon artist, and she sometimes stuffs the balloons. The castrator makes this easier (don’t ask me how).
Speaking of goats. One of the most popular weird gifts I’ve given was the little screaming goat toy I gave my daughter. Her job can be stressful. I thought it was funny and cute. She thought it was essential and to my dismay, used it so much she wore it out.
My favorite weird gift also went to my long-suffering daughter. It is a French grammar book (none of us speaks French). But it isn’t just any French book. The title is, Advanced French for Exceptional Cats by Henri de la Barbe. It goes through all the grammar a cat may need, such as declensions:
I meow (Je miaule)
I was meowing (Je miaulais)
And useful phrases:
Active voice: This new dried food tastes like driveway gravel. (Ces nouveaux vivres sec ont un goût de gravier).
Passive voice: This revolting crud will never be eaten by me. (Ce fumier dégueulasse ne sera jemais mangé par moi).
This book has terrific illustrations, and you should buy one right away even if your cat is already fluent in French.
Sometimes a normal item can fall into the strange category simply because of cost. Celestial Mints, sold at Deseret book, qualify. Innocently thinking these were just breath mints, I impulsively picked up a box.
“That’ll be $31.95” the clerk said.
“Whaaaat???”
It was not a mistake. Not being completely insane, I didn’t buy them. Although later I did buy the mini version for ‘only’ $13 and presented it to my family as a semi-gag gift on Christmas Eve. In keeping with the price tag, I put the mints in a handsome jewelry box for extra elegance. Our consensus is that these mints are not Celestial. But to be fair, some reviewers swear by them.
Oh well, I think we all agree that it’s a weird world out there. And whatever you celebrate, I truly wish you joy, peace, and manageable amounts of strangeness this holiday season.
But Christmas is the season of giving. I give gifts too. Have I ever been guilty of giving anyone anything strange? Yes. But in my defense, I have an impossible to buy for husband. He can’t blame me when I give him a look-a-like bobble-head figurine. It’s his own fault.
Hands down the weirdest thing I’ve ever deliberately given someone went to my sister. She’s also hard to buy for, so I’d been bugging her to give me some ideas for a birthday present which eventually led to this conversation.
“You were asking what I want for my birthday?”
“Yes! Finally! What would you like?
“Well, just to warn you, it’s a little weird.”
“I expect no less. What is it?”
“I need a goat castrator.”
“A what?”
“A goat castrator. It’s a thing that castrates goats.”
“New hobby?”
Where does one buy such a thing? I was about to learn that amazon truly sells everything--a selection even. In case you’re wondering, my sister is a balloon artist, and she sometimes stuffs the balloons. The castrator makes this easier (don’t ask me how).
Speaking of goats. One of the most popular weird gifts I’ve given was the little screaming goat toy I gave my daughter. Her job can be stressful. I thought it was funny and cute. She thought it was essential and to my dismay, used it so much she wore it out.
My favorite weird gift also went to my long-suffering daughter. It is a French grammar book (none of us speaks French). But it isn’t just any French book. The title is, Advanced French for Exceptional Cats by Henri de la Barbe. It goes through all the grammar a cat may need, such as declensions:
I meow (Je miaule)
I was meowing (Je miaulais)
And useful phrases:
Active voice: This new dried food tastes like driveway gravel. (Ces nouveaux vivres sec ont un goût de gravier).
Passive voice: This revolting crud will never be eaten by me. (Ce fumier dégueulasse ne sera jemais mangé par moi).
This book has terrific illustrations, and you should buy one right away even if your cat is already fluent in French.
Sometimes a normal item can fall into the strange category simply because of cost. Celestial Mints, sold at Deseret book, qualify. Innocently thinking these were just breath mints, I impulsively picked up a box.
“That’ll be $31.95” the clerk said.
“Whaaaat???”
It was not a mistake. Not being completely insane, I didn’t buy them. Although later I did buy the mini version for ‘only’ $13 and presented it to my family as a semi-gag gift on Christmas Eve. In keeping with the price tag, I put the mints in a handsome jewelry box for extra elegance. Our consensus is that these mints are not Celestial. But to be fair, some reviewers swear by them.
Oh well, I think we all agree that it’s a weird world out there. And whatever you celebrate, I truly wish you joy, peace, and manageable amounts of strangeness this holiday season.