A Christmas Colon
The first time I had a colonoscopy, I was very surprised to receive several beautifully colored prints of my innards. Not that my colon is especially beautiful, but the quality of the pictures was impressive. Really, the notification that everything was fine was all I needed to keep me happy. Shortly after, my husband added his colon to the collection. I hated to throw away such nice pictures, but what else in the world would we do with them? I suppose I could always put them in one of those cute his and her frames and set it out in a prominent position should I ever need to encourage a guest to cut their visit short, but that seems a little harsh.
Anyway, that same year our poor daughter was having some gastric problems, so she also had the procedure and to her dismay, also received some lovely technicolor photos. This gave me an idea, with these pictures, I could make the world’s most awful Christmas card by arranging our three colons on a holiday background with a nice font saying, “The Byrd Family hopes your bowels will be filled with joy this Christmas season.” Then I would send this card to the Today show who would fly us all out to New York and we’d have a great free holiday vacation!
“MOM NO!!” my daughter yelled (she has a loud voice).
“Oh, come on, have a sense of humor.”
“NO! That’s the most tasteless thing I’ve ever heard of! I don’t want the world looking at my colon!”
“So you really think the Today show would go for the idea?”
Huge eyeball roll, “Normally, not. But with my luck, they would. I’d never be able to show my face again!”
“Well, to be fair, it’s not your face anyone would be looking at.”
“NO!!!!”
“I’m sure it’s very pretty for a colon.”
“NO!”
Did I mention she can be loud? In the interest of someday being allowed to see my grandchildren, I sacrificed my free trip. Instead, I devoted myself to winning my office’s ugly Christmas sweater contest. I made a copy of the picture of my personal colon (and very fine looking it is too), and safety pinned it to a black sweater. This I surrounded with silver tinsel, jingle bells, and an appropriate message, “May your bowels be filled with joy.” Needless to say, I won the office ugly sweater contest. Not just for that year, but possibly for all time. My supervisor refused to sit across from me at lunch, saying something about her appetite being spoiled. A total triumph. Also, the trip to New York is not entirely off the table. All that’s needed is for the Associated Press to run this column, the producer of the Today show to love it, and we’re in! The odds of that happening have got to be at least a little better than winning the lottery. So there’s hope.
And from the bottom of all my organs, I wish everyone a joyful holiday season and a very happy New Year.
Anyway, that same year our poor daughter was having some gastric problems, so she also had the procedure and to her dismay, also received some lovely technicolor photos. This gave me an idea, with these pictures, I could make the world’s most awful Christmas card by arranging our three colons on a holiday background with a nice font saying, “The Byrd Family hopes your bowels will be filled with joy this Christmas season.” Then I would send this card to the Today show who would fly us all out to New York and we’d have a great free holiday vacation!
“MOM NO!!” my daughter yelled (she has a loud voice).
“Oh, come on, have a sense of humor.”
“NO! That’s the most tasteless thing I’ve ever heard of! I don’t want the world looking at my colon!”
“So you really think the Today show would go for the idea?”
Huge eyeball roll, “Normally, not. But with my luck, they would. I’d never be able to show my face again!”
“Well, to be fair, it’s not your face anyone would be looking at.”
“NO!!!!”
“I’m sure it’s very pretty for a colon.”
“NO!”
Did I mention she can be loud? In the interest of someday being allowed to see my grandchildren, I sacrificed my free trip. Instead, I devoted myself to winning my office’s ugly Christmas sweater contest. I made a copy of the picture of my personal colon (and very fine looking it is too), and safety pinned it to a black sweater. This I surrounded with silver tinsel, jingle bells, and an appropriate message, “May your bowels be filled with joy.” Needless to say, I won the office ugly sweater contest. Not just for that year, but possibly for all time. My supervisor refused to sit across from me at lunch, saying something about her appetite being spoiled. A total triumph. Also, the trip to New York is not entirely off the table. All that’s needed is for the Associated Press to run this column, the producer of the Today show to love it, and we’re in! The odds of that happening have got to be at least a little better than winning the lottery. So there’s hope.
And from the bottom of all my organs, I wish everyone a joyful holiday season and a very happy New Year.